Sunday, April 19, 2009

Tim Horton's Sanctuary

On my way to work, I saw a dead cat on the road. At first I was hoping it was a stuffed animal, but I don't think it was. It lay there, motionless, with its eyes open. The cat was white and had brown stripes. It's funny how lifeless it looked, just laying there. I could've just picked it up and thrown it aside, it seemed t be that light, but I left the cat there on the side of the road. It was next to some styrofoam box. Hopefully the cat will be at peace. It looked like it would be. I felt bad I didn't do anything more for it. R.I.P. Cat.

It was an alright day, not too cold, not too hot. I wore my leather jacket to keep everyone away. As I'm walking down a sidewalk these two girls are up ahead holding flowerpots. One is on one side of the sidewalk, the other is on the other side. They're both walking toward me. I go to the right side, hoping the one on my right will go to her friend on my left. She doesn't though, and this probably causes me to walk in between them. Thinking it might be some kind of sick threesome, but these girls are young, probably 15 or 16. Cute, cool, dead. They're wearing black, but not goth style. I walk on the grass to pass them. It's early in the morning, Sunday, 9:35ish. I'm trying to walk briskly so I can make the stop past the bus station. Saves me 10 minutes of waiting at the bus station and plus I'm hoping to catch another bus that comes from there which takes me to my destination but quicker. I miss that one, of course, again. Getting back to the girls. I'm on the grass, and the one girl on my right has her head lowered and looks like she's bobbing her head to some beat and she asks me "Are you down?" She sort of stumbles while she walks and I realize she's probably drunk. She's young though and almost cute and I sort of want to reply, but then I don't want to get involved in that crap. I have too much going on, and don't need to be at their level. Their level isn't exactly lower than mine, but it's different, it's loose, it's without boundaries.

She looks cute to hug though or take care of because I know what it feels like to have nobody take care of you. And she reminds me of Corrie a bit. The almost same physique. The innocent body, almost china doll, but with that defiant look. The girl doesn't give that look, but you can tell the rebel is there. Maybe she's kidding around? Or maybe she just wants to have a good time? I want neither as I continue walking. Like I said, I miss that bus I wanted to catch so I end up catching another one that strangely enough gets me there at the same time I would've got there had I got that quick bus.

I get a coffee at the coffeeshop. There's a nice girl serving and I don't know what to feel. She's not really into serving it seems like, but it's morning, who is? I just get a coffee. Usually I get a muffin as well, but I didn't feel like eating. Stuff going on, nothing I can't handle. There's always something going on, but I get by. The thing with my uncle kind of topples everything down, but the grief for my uncle, I'm dealing pretty well. Strangely enough, it's a catalyst for these words. Maybe I should dedicate them to my uncle? I don't know. My friend works at the coffeeshop, not MJ, another friend. Actually the one who came by my work the other day. She's doing prep work in the kitchen and her back is to me, so we miss each other, again. That's okay though, I wasn't in the mood for full conversation. Oh yeah, once I got my coffee, the server told me to have a good day in that sweet voice she has. Almost like a light soda. I was going to say light perfume, but I don't know what that is. So a light soda, like 7-Up or Sprite.

I sit down at a table and write two poems, then write a bit in my journal. One of the poems is about the dead cat.

After a rough day of being a wage-slave, I'm glad to return home. The bus ride was eventful. Quiet, restful. I read on the bus. The bus driver made me feel warm as I entered the bus. Just her smile and her presence. When I got off at my stop, I was ready to go home. I walked and some girl on a tricycle or something rides by from her house and says "Hi Neighbor!" I'm not her neighbor. I live 4 blocks down. Maybe more. But definitely not her neighbor. I want to ignore her, but she's a kid, and I figure I should be nice. Downaways I lift up my hand a bit for a small wave, but it doesn't register which is fine by me. I wonder how a kid like that can be open to strangers. I'm a stranger wearing a black leather jacket, you're a girl in lovely pink shirt. Does it cross your mind that I could be one of those adult sickos? Now I know why parents say don't talk to strangers, because some strangers are so whacked out of their mind, almost like me. Except I wouldn't be doing that sexual stuff, that's just dumb. I'd probably just scream "fuck off!" from the top of my lungs because they're invading my space. Of course, I don't do that, they're just kids, but I just ignore them. That's if I'm not up to conversing. And usually I'm not. I just want to be on my way. Damn where's the snow? When it's winter these kids don't bother me. There's no soccer ball rolling my way so I'm forced to kick it back to them, when I'd rather just stick a knife in it and hear the pffffffffffft sound as it deflates and see the horrified look on the kid and this crazy fuck who just walked down the street and happened to meet his soccer ball. And then the father would come out all tough like and say "what the fuck you do that for?" My reply: "Because I felt like it bitch, now get back in that house, and shut the damn door, fuck your wife, or do some shit because you stay away from me while I'm trying to walk home!" Sometimes though it's the whiney mother who comes out screaming and being the gentleman I am, I wouldn't smack in the face, but I'd just complain about her letting her kids run around without a leash! Some of these kids should be on a leash! It's summer though or nearing there and you have to put up with some of this shit. Better just ignore these people. Better if winter were here, with snow covering all this happy stuff. Happy happy. People outside drinking beer, enjoying stirring the meat on their barbecues trying to look all cool.

I was just glad to get away from that kid. There'll be more of those as Spring increases and Summer rolls along.

I went to Tim Horton's got a chicken salad combo with a cafe mocha for a drink. The girl was new and she was nice. Probably a lady. She didn't know what a cafe mocha was. Or she guessed. She told me she wasn't sure and asked if it was coffee and hot chocolate, so I said yes. She forgot the topping on it (the whipped cream) but I didn't bother. She was so nice to me, I didn't care that she forgot the topping. Fuck the topping, it's still good mocha. Double chocolate donut since Lent is over. Fat city. The guy at the sandwich counter hands me my chicken salad sandwich to go. He's lightly unshaven, big, but looks nice enough. The whole experience made me feel good. Tim Horton's a good place to go.

Finally, I get home to my safe haven. It makes me like my place even more. Keeps everyone out. Funny thing, I'm at work, and some girl (lady now) I used to go to high school with, she was in my french class. She knows my family. Wants to know why she never sees me, says I should come to one of the gatherings. I let her know that I'll think about it. The gatherings are filled with mostly losers. One of them broke my face. You can't see it when you look at it, but it's there. A doctor noticed it like 9 or 10 years later. Offered for me to see a specialist. I considered it, but then I didn't go, cancelled the appointment because I didn't want to turn into Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson pre-molestation accusations. Could be the cause of my allergies or the more extremity of my dust allergies. It got worse in 1992 the year after I got hit in the face with a soccer ball. Let me rephrase that: It got worse in 1992, the year after someone kicked a soccer ball in my face. I remember who you are, don't worry. And yes, he was at my uncle's funeral. So yeah, me go to one of those gatherings and he might pop up? That'd be a joke. Still I might just go to one of those gatherings. Make an entrance, then leave.

Now I sit here with these thoughts. And you know what? Today I was thinking about how it's only God who has my back. It's not something I can prove, it's just something I know. Maybe more on that another day. For now, I just sit here with these thoughts.

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