Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Nothing really

I haven't went out today. Didn't really need to. I have the groceries and all I need to do is make the meatloaf. I've been spending time on facebook, or I could see wasting time, but I was using my time on facebook, kicking back, relaxing a bit. I did know I had to get back to writing in here, or writing something. I realized I need to write, it's almost like a drug and I get why some of these guy like Bukowski or I guess even Balzac wrote. I don't know too much about Balzac and one of these days I'll have to read something he wrote, but apparently he used to make strong coffee, like really strong coffee and write in the night. My kind of hero. Bukowski used to drink, like most writers.

Yesterday was okay. I got through it. The weekend was rough and Monday was, I guess, the recovery period. I guess you just take it one day at a time. I realized also that this blog, called Grieve Table, initally about the grief I'm going through about my uncle, can also be extended to the grief I feel about the world because there is a lot of grief. At this moment though, I feel really good, really relaxed. I took this thing on facebook, I guess it's a survey thing. It's about common fears. They list the fears, 62 of them, and you mark off which ones you are afraid of. 1-20 means you're normal; beyond 20, paranoid; 30 or more, you need counseling. I got 35. In a nutshell, if I can remember, I'm afraid of open spaces, closed spaces, heights, men, women, thunder, lightning, the dark, dogs, frogs/toads, snakes, jumping from high places, being touched. So a nice test case for those pill pushers. Here's one funny thing, I'm not afraid of tornadoes. Also another funny thing, those fears I have most of them I conquer. I still have them, but I still conquer. You'll find me walking on a high place; and you'll also find me hanging out with men and women. I might even hang out with a snake.

These shrinks think they have me all figured out. They think I'm some kind of whackjob, and really, I am, but I'm a lot different too. I've been conquering fear all my life.

I wrote in my other blog, the normal one. It really good. That one, a lot of people see; this one, not many. That's alright though. This one is supposed to be cathartic. The weather out there right now, looks really good. Good to me, at least. Looks cloudy and breezy. I like that. It's not sunny. Wait until summer gets here. That's when all the mothers with their strollers start hogging the streets, and I'm not talking nice strollers with the high backs and the nice seat for the kid to be ridden in, I'm talking about these big ass things. They're like those horse carriages back in the old days. Except instead of a horse, it's a mother pushing. Or a father pushing.

I don't get the whole kid thing. That's just simply it, I don't get it. I'm not a parent, so I wouldn't know. Maybe when and if I do become a parent, I'll get it; but for now, it just irritates me. I know it does, but I don't bother them and they don't bother me. It's a free world, they're allowed to roam where they will. In the winter, I'll be happy again when they have to hibernate back into their houses. Don't get me wrong, some kids are great. There are great kids out there that I could hang out with, but some are just brats. I don't like the brats, the little beasts of society that claw and pinch their way to take over the world. It's those that become spoiled little rich kids, and eventually leaders who don't do shit, and sadly there are a lot of those. I wonder if there is a leader who believes in what he or she is doing. I'm negative about the world I guess. Whatever happened to integrity? It's these themes I had going for me in this one novel series I'm writing, but it didn't permeate as well as I wanted it too, which is okay, because sometimes the story takes on a life of its own and you can't force it, have to just let it go where it wants, nurturing it, every step of the way. Of course, if it comes totally off the path, you can either let it, and turn it into something else; or gently bring it back onto course. Maybe the stories are like my kids, and some of the world find them to be brats. That is kind of funny because I do have stories out there that would make people cringe. But really, they're not that bad. Just unusual.

I wonder what this blog will turn into. So far it's been a good day. Tomorrow is my day off. Who knows what I'll do then.

No comments:

Post a Comment