Friday, April 17, 2009

Leather Jacket

I donned my black leather jacket today. The weather was right for it, and it wasn't exactly cold enough to wear my winter jacket. One thing I like about snow and winter is nobody is outside. They're all in their houses, and they leave you alone. Now with Spring along, and soon to be Summer, people are outside, and some of them even want to say hi to you, or wonder how you are. I'll tell you how I am. I feel miserable. My uncle's gone, I feel like a part of me has been ripped out by a bear's claw or something. Sure my uncle and I weren't close but we weren't estranged either.

After a donut and coffee with my dad, I headed to work. I was hungry though, and I could've got something to eat. I was starving almost. Just a burger or even a muffin. But the problem is some of those places know me. They see me almost everyday, so of course they'd know me. Then they'd ask that dreaded question: How are you? I don't know. I don't feel great, but I don't want you hugging me or want your pity. I don't even know you. If you really knew me, you'd know I was a writer. You wouldn't ask me why I wasn't married. You wouldn't even gasp at the thought of me working in the same place for over ten years. Oh, and you wouldn't ask me how school was. I don't go to school anymore. Haven't been there for nine years, and I guess I have the Mark Twain saying "don't let school interfere with your education."

It'd be easy to answer the "How are you?" question if someone I knew wasn't dead. I mean, what do you want me to do? Say, "I'm rather sad actually because my uncle passed away on March 31st and I feel like a part of me has been ripped out, how are you?" I mean how would you respond to that. I mean fuck, I just want my burger and want to just sit in some place alone and eat it. Sure, now that I've lost someone, everybody wants to be my friend, everybody wants to talk to me. People actually care how I'm doing. They didn't care when I got something published or when I wrote a poem and thought it was awesome.

Maybe they see something in my eyes? Maybe they see a sadness and want to help me. Seems like everybody wants to help me. Some want to marry me off, others want to give me food. I'm too thin for them. First of all, I don't want to get married to one of your loser daughters; and second, I cook my own food. I believe in the whole you reap what you sow kind of thing. I mean work is important, and if you want to live, you have to work at it. I'm not going to sit on my ass and hope somebody gives me a handout. My parents, on the other hand, yes, they provide me with food sometimes. That's a given, they're parents.

So yes, today I didn't get anything to eat before work. I didn't pass out though. Once at home, I dived in to some salmon sandwiches. The salmon was canned and my mother had given me those. Thanks mom.

Yesterday, I was depressed and I managed to get in two cups of chicken cup o soup. That really hit the spot. It was like a warm friend coming over for dinner. I slept in today. Woke up at 11:30am. Didn't do much.

A friend came by work. A good friend. Couldn't say how miserable I was. Actually threw up about a half hour before she came. She asked how I was. I said I was good, which wasn't a total lie. I was good because she showed up. It's always good to see a good friend.

After work, I had donned the leather jacket again, black. I felt I was brooding, felt dark, maybe almost like Batman but without saving anybody. Just walking in the night. The night felt alive to me, felt real. The day...I can't go out in the day. People. Smiling, people.

I know this grief thing is supposed to get better, but I don't know. Maybe it will? Having some food in my belly is a start.

Tonight an online friend talked to me. Asked me how I was and I said I was a bit better which was true. I don't mind her asking me how I am, or even MJ. Those two know me. I think that was the highlight of my day. Actually MJ texted me today. Asked me how my day was going, I replied "It's going alright." In other words, could be better. I wish I could smile more, but there doesn't seem much to smile at right now. My life isn't a total wreck, I know that, so I'm not going to go slitting my wrists or anything like that.

Bedtime soon for me. I'm still hungry.

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