Downtown

So I was forced to actually get out of the place today. I wanted to just stay in, do nothing, maybe have a nap, but I had bills to pay. I started off with a walk to the bank. There was no one around except a mother and a baby carriage across the road. I was happy there was only one. Just the one brave soul willing to brave the cold weather that was today. Not that it was extremely cold, but just cold enough not to take your baby out for a stroll. It was a bit cold for me in my leather jacket, but I wanted to wear it. I wanted to keep everyone away again. I wondered what it'd be like to wear black gloves, but then it would feel like I needed a knife to cut someone's throat with. It's one thing to be an outsider; another to be an outsider going to jail. Still, wasn't too bad. Not too many people on the streets, except for the cars, they annoyed me. They think they have the right of way just because they're bigger than I am. I can see that they're hard earned money was well spent in paying for that driver's license of theirs because I could tell they didn't really pass their driver's test. I don't see how idiots like that could pass. Bullies on the road, that's what they are. Just because they own something that can go really fast, they become bullies. One day I'll have to take down their license plate, follow them if I can, then put a note where they're parked saying something like "You're driving sucks bitch!" And I would think about slicing their tires but I wouldn't do that.

Fortunately there was no bank line-up and the banking went quick and easy at the machine. No need to go to any straight-laced suited tellers who think they're so cool just because they work at a bank, think they own your ass just because they can deny anyone having a loan. As if your life is in their hands. As if they're doctors or surgeons. Stupid professionals. They go to school for 4 plus years and all it gives them is a touch of arrogance, bitchiness, and hypocrisy. So polite and straight-laced, until their break when they're smoking up their lungs with that cigarette shit. Yeah, real classy!

The mood of the customers going to the bank was bleak. Maybe as bleak as mine? They just wanted to get in and out, get back home, get out of the weather. I just wanted to get away from them.

I got home, messed around a bit on the computer, had a bit of lunch: leftover meatloaf. Didn't feel like going back out, but then got the courage from a coffee cup. Went downtown. The ride there was alright. I got to read a bit. Paid my bill and then walked to the downtown mall.

As I'm walking I stop at the crosswalk to cross, waiting for the light to change with some other people. Behind me, on the corner is a bum squatting with a hat in his hand saying "spare change" and of course I ignore him just like everyone else. Then I realize the plan I had the other day. The other day I realized that I could be one of those bums. One of those losers with no jobs because I don't play well at my job, or maybe it's a mental illness. I work better alone, away from everyone else. Maybe some of these guys on the street have the same problem. Maybe they could find a job, but they find it hard keeping one because they can't work well with others, because others don't work well with them, or else, they hate the politics like I do. Figure I could be one of these guys. Figure how lucky I am, and I can't even give one lousy dollar? Fuck, I don't even need it. I mean it's just one dollar. Of course, this bum could just take it, add it to his collection, get a bottle of beer or wine and just drink. But it makes him happy. I know what it's like to be at your low and to need something, something just to get you through the night or day and sure alcohol isn't exactly a healthy choice but I hate to see people in pain.

So I heard the bum and proceeded to ignore him, then realized what my plan was. I reached into my back pocket where I had put the dollar I planned to give some bum on the street and put it in the guy's hat. I felt so good. It was unbelievable. Think I said something like "There you go man." He gave me the peace sign and I gave it back to him. Yeah, we know what the world is about. Not like those idiots who frown because they're pasta's overdone or there's tomato in their sandwich and they don't like tomatoes. Are you allergic to it? No, they're not allergic, they just don't like it and they want a new sandwich, like fuck that shit, take out the tomatoes and eat the fuckin' thing because the guy I saw today squatting and begging would probably crave any kind of sandwich. Sometimes I think some of the suits are bums.

I felt good though after giving that guy a dollar. I have 9 more. Parking's a bitch downtown. I think like 5 dollars or more? I don't have a car, I don't need to park, I can afford to hand over a dollar.

Had lunch downtown. It was all right. Got depressed, almost cried in food court. Too much stress in life...

Came back home on the subway. The faces like Ezra Pound's poem. Didn't want to be there. They all got that dead 9 to 5 look. Made it home safely, but it was exhausting.

I get to work tomorrow. Looking forward to coming back home.

Best thing about today, or second best thing was giving that dollar to that bum and him giving me the peace sign. Best thing was talking to MJ and friends. MJ's worried about me, but there's nothing I can do, except try and get better. I know I can get better, it's just going to take time.