Wednesday, October 13, 2010

More Death

More news I suppose. MJ's grandmother has now passed away. I wrote in here last year maybe about how MJ's mother died, well, now the grandmother's gone too and I think how unfair it is that God's doing this. Or I don't know if he's doing this. I mean he is obviously doing this "The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away", but why did he have to take both people within a year almost. It's like MJ has all this bad luck and I really don't like it because she's a great person with so much to give and here she gets dealt all these bad cards. I mean when does it end? How does she keep on going? I mean how can you after all these deaths that come. I'm sure if she's totalled up the number of people who have died in the past five years, that she'll lose count.

I got a call this Sunday unexpectedly. I guess it was a shot to the heart. The grandmother was a good woman, healthy too, so I expected her to live a long time. Sure she was in her 80's, but she looked like she could live until 100.

I haven't really felt like doing anything. I can't be there for MJ, not physically because we live in two different places. And sure she knows all this, but it still hurts me that I can't be there. I know life is like that and you just have to run with it, but doesn't mean I have to like it. It's hard doing anything and yes, I guess it's like losing somebody. I mean I wasn't related to this lady, but she means more to me than some idiots in my family. In a way she's more of a grandmother to me than one of my grandmothers. One I hardly knew, but she was alright. The other I knew more, and she was alright I guess. I didn't understand her. Maybe I was just too young. Maybe I didn't like the fact she enjoyed picking on my sister. I told you, my family's fucked up. I read that back in an entry I did.

It's hard to reach out to people. I mean there's so much death people want to hear about. Eventually they don't want to hear about it. The first couple of days, they want to console you and want you to talk about it but not really. After that, they're tired of hearing it because they don't want to know that life can get depressing. They want to live their own lives. I guess I can't blame them. I'm like that too sometimes. Maybe I was like that on Sunday, getting that call from MJ. I didn't mind talking about it. Took me by surprise. MJ knows that though.

What do I say to people though? It'd be different if it was someone I was related to. They could all relate to that. But if it's a person I know, that I've only seen twice? They don't get it and I can't explain it to them. I mean what do I say? My ex's grandmother passed away and it makes me sad? First, they're going to tell me, she's my ex and ex's are ex's. You don't go back. It's the rule. Ex's can't be friends. Second, she's not my family, so why do I care? Third, that's your ex's problem, they'll say, go get a drink and celebrate.

I don't want to celebrate. I want to comfort my friend. I want to leave this place, go over there and cook a dinner or something. Watch her eat, do dishes, and while she sleeps, read a good novel or something. Instead I'm here. I go to work where all they care about is making money and shafting other co-workers just so they can make more money. Not all of them are like that, but that's the atmosphere I get I guess. Why can't they just be happy with what they got? Life's too short. Just enjoy what you're making and stop trying to get more. What do you need with more? How much is enough? It's never enough you greedy bastards. I'm just happy to go, make a bit of cash, come home, and write. That's the life I want. What the fuck do I need a big screen TV for? What I do need a car for? I don't want to drive so fuck off. I don't need all that crap. Life's too short. I'm happy with what I have. I have good food and good friends. I mean what more can a person want? I have an okay family. Half are decent; the other half I couldn't care less, those selfish fuckers that they are. I mean why are they even still here. Some of them have one foot in the grave, but fuck, they're taking so long to die, it's annoying, and here this nice grandmother is gone and it's not fair because she's a cool lady. Take one of my idiot family members, Lord, I mean really. What about my aunt? I mean how long is she going to be a bitch? And hey, you have two to choose from!

It's hard to reach out to people. What am I going to say? They have their own lives and they don't want to talk to me. I can only write what I feel I guess. They only have so long that they can talk to me. I mean they're alright. I don't want to bring them down with this depressing shit. They want to be happy. I understand that. I can't even write a poem. Too much in my head to bring it out on the page I guess. So many things going through my head. Partially worried about MJ. She's surprisingly strong so far and I'm so grateful for that. Maybe the past deaths have made her stronger. Just wish I could be there.

I don't know. I don't see the point in being here. I'm trying to look for answers but the answers aren't there. I still have faith in God and things are working out for me, but how can I say to have faith in God when MJ's not getting a break. How many times has she prayed? I don't know. How many times have I prayed for her? So many times, nearly everyday. I don't know. It's not that I lack faith in God because my faith is still strong, I just wish I knew what to do. I don't know what to do. I have skills and I have all the necessary tools, I just don't know how to use them. I can produce magic but I don't know where to start and where to end. I want to be able to stand up, but how can I do that when all I want to do is just lie in bed and not wake up. Wake up to what? Wake up to a store clerk who doesn't look at you when you're buying chips? Or some car cutting in front of you when you're trying to head to work? Or the stupid security people again. Have to deal with their fake hellos and shit when they screwed me over. You know it's a little over a year since the final screw happened.

I always say if you don't know something, use what you do know to find out what you don't know. I guess I could do that.

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