Thursday, October 1, 2009


Corrie connected to me via Facebook. You know, Facebook, how they have those statuses people put up. Well, Corrie had added a comment to one of her photos and she replied. It made me feel good that she actually talked to me and I guess she isn't ignoring me. She's just been very busy. I guess I have to. I wish we could reconnect or hook up again. She is like my sponsor, but the sad thing is, she's rarely there when I need her and sometimes I think she needs me more than I need her. She's been doing better with her life I think. God is taking her somewhere, so she says. I'm not sure where, so I guess we'll have to wait and see.

It makes me think about God. I think my faith is stronger now. It was days ago. Things at MJ's home are fine. She won't be out on the streets. Don't know all the details, but it doesn't matter because things are fine with her now and I can rest more easy. My neck aches and it's a bit stiff. It's getting better though. I think it's from all the stress from the past couple of weeks. With work and with MJ. It's just been deeply stressful and now that my work has settled down I think this is my body's way of telling me to take it easy. Now I have to take it easy.

So I've been thinking more about God, more actually about Satan, or the devil, if you like. You know how God's always helping you out, doing shit in your world so your life can get better. I wonder if there's another force, another negative force, called Satan trying to make your life miserable. Just when your life's getting good, Satan comes along and does shit. I try not to think about that too much because then life can get pretty dark. It's better to just think about God. Plus my life is pretty dark enough already as it is. You've read the blog, so you'd know.

I've also been thinking about forgiveness. There was something on a church program I saw on Sunday because I happen to be off that day this past Sunday. Well, this program I saw said we have to forgive everyone, that's how we move on. That's how we travel from the past to the future. It made a lot of sense, but there are just some people I can't forgive. There's someone I consider Satan's helper. She came into my life and destroyed it. I wonder though if she had her own illness to deal with or if she's just some crazed motherfucker. Should I forgive her and just move on? I don't know. I mean by being angry with her and trying to avoid her, that all arises from fear and I know fear is a bad thing. I can't just move on, can't forget about her. She ruined my life. I don't want to ruin her life. That's just crazy. I don't know what I want to do. I want to know she'll stop hurting me. That's what I want. But I have no way of knowing that. They say if you have God on your side, you don't have to worry. So what? I forgive her and move on? After all she's done to me. She's one of the most evil people that I've met on this planet, except for someone else.

I remember the good times we had. They were far and few. I remember how helpless I felt when I was with her. How lost I felt. Now, I don't feel so lost. A part of me prays she's doing better, but a part of me hopes she's dead. It's frustrating. That people who hurt me are still alive. But wishing them dead isn't good. There's just something bad about wishing them dead. Not so much that it's bad, but the fact that it still gives you pain. That's the bad part. And I don't want that pain. I want to move on, but I don't want her hurting me anymore. Is that bad? Is it bad for me to not want her hurting me anymore? She still hurts me. Still in the shadows. Whenever I take a drink, I see her. She's there. She wants to get inside and we want to destroy each other. She's like a big cock penetrating my vagina, just thrusting hard and it hurts bad, hurts real good, maybe I want it to hurt, maybe then I can feel something, maybe I feel I deserve it? It makes sense after all the crap that happened to me when I was a kid. But then I don't deserve it. I deserve God's love because God is out there with open arms. God is my new Father, my only one. But then there's that saying about forgiving your brother. If you don't forgive your brother how do you expect God to forgive you? I just do. I'm good, my brother's bad. But then I have to forgive my brother. But he hurt me. I want him to stop hurting me. I can't be sure he'll stop hurting me. One time I told him not to hurt me anymore and he said okay, he won't, but he did, and it hurt real bad. Maybe it's like being a Jew in a concentration camp with some German officer telling you one thing, but really he's going to take you for one of those gas showers and you're loathe to trust Germans again. That's how I feel. I can't trust that guy not to hurt me again. And then I feel the only way he won't hurt me is if he's dead, but I can't kill him. I can't kill these people and God won't kill them for me. It's annoying that he won't do that. So what am I supposed to do? It's better to just live your life and not worry about all that. But I have all this pain and it hurts and I don't know what to do. Don't want to end my life because my life's pretty good.

I don't think God's a hoax now though. I think he's real, tangible, something I can feel. God's alive and he's trying to help me, but I'm scared God, scared that if I let go, I'll get hurt again. I trust you, but I don't know, I'm scared to let go. Scared to open my heart to them, Lord, because if I do they're going to hurt me again, and it's just better not to open my heart to them, to be guarded because they hurt me. Will you help me find the way, Lord? Do I even want to find the way? I don't know.

I don't know.

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