Friday, September 25, 2009

I'm Coming Back

I haven't written here in a while. I don't know if it was hard to write, or just hard to sit here and stare at the computer and share my feelings when I'm a wreck, even though sometimes you just have to. That's when the writing's good and it's too bad that you have to be almost dead to be a good writer. Of course, that's not true, that's a myth. I mean there are many good writers out there who've killed themselves or had sad lives. You can be a good writer and have a good life.

Lots of things happened. MJ's mother died. Her mother was a friend of mine in a way, like how you go over to your friend's house and his mother's there making you guys lemonade. She knows me, I know her, and I hate losing her. Hate losing a good woman. Yeah, she was sickly, and I knew she was heading downhill, but I didn't think it would be this soon. Thought she'd be able to fight the good life, but now the good lord has taken her.

Frustrates me because I'm wondering why the good lord didn't take the other sister, but then that's mean I suppose. I'll say nothing about that. I will say that MJ's been having a rough time, but this entry isn't about her since this is my blog. I just wish I could do something for MJ. If she were here I'd have her crash in my pad until she gets a place of her own, but she's in another city, so there's just no way. And I gotta live the days wondering if she'll be stuck out on the streets pimping herself, spreading her legs for any Tom Dick Harry or Marianne because sometimes that's the way you gotta live. I don't want MJ to live like that because she's pure, a good soul, someone who doesn't deserve to be kicked in the mid-section like that. She deserves better, but of course, God being the old joker he is doesn't really give a fuck and would probably let her get kicked until she's bleeding. I just don't get that Book of Job and yet it's my favorite book of the bible. The guy's just take all this shit from God but yet he still likes God, until he finally gets the last straw. I mean some of the stuff is alright, but it just goes on and on, with more suffering and you're thinking wtf is God doing! He's just chilling with Satan and having some fun. I mean is that what God does? Has fun with people? I wonder about that.

God puts all this crap on me when I have to work my job doing the day shift crap. 3 days shifts. Fuckin' day shifts, I hate 'em. This week's a stressful week and I have no breathing room, I have no life. Boss is out of town, so now we get to do all the managerial bs. I don't like doing managerial bs. I'd rather write. So now I have no life. It reminds me of this zen story. This guy is saying how he really wants to find God and the zen master smiles and says "Really?" Then the zen master grabs the guy and throws him underwater and holds him down. The guy's waving his hands frantically and after a few minutes, then zen master lifts the guy up. The guy's gasping, coughing, spitting up water. Finally when he's done and he's caught his breath, the zen master asks "When you were down there, what is it you wanted most?" The guy says "Air!" The zen master lets the guy go and says "Come back, when you want to find God as much as you wanted air." It's like that. Like I have no air. Now I realize how much I want to write. I'm almost hungry for it. I say almost because I want to read too. So much I want to do. I want to talk to MJ, to see if she's alright. Want to talk to the Donut, hang out, stuff like that. MJ, Donut, and I have a good talk. We hang out and just shoot the breeze, that's the kind of talk we like. Just easy living. We also get to bitch about our day, how it hampers our life, and wouldn't it be better not to have that day. Not so much the day, but what we do in it, the work that we do. We don't like it. Least I can speak for Donut and I. We'd rather be home doing other stuff. Being wage-slaves isn't really all that fun. I'd rather just write. Make my living doing that. Don't have to worry about scheduling my holidays. Don't even have to worry about booking a day off in advance. Don't have to worry about office politics.

Got some writing gigs coming up. Going to have fun writing a novel with some pals in November. The classic Nanowrimo. Means I'll be off this thing for a while. That's okay though. I haven't written here since July anyway, and nobody really reads this. Kind of glad in a way. Either way, it doesn't matter because it's more a personal project of mine anyway.

Guess that's it for now. Boss comes back Tuesday and I can get my life back then. Fuckers.

Makes me think of why I work at this stupid place. Don't want to manage the place. Just want to be a writer.

I was watching some God show just now and it made me think that God was here watching out for me and that he's watching out for MJ and everything's going to be okay, but sometimes I don't know. Sometimes I don't know what God is doing. Oddly my faith is still there. Although weak, if you want to call it that, I'd say it's still there. I wouldn't call my faith weak, I'd call it little. Sometimes it's bigger, sometimes it isn't. I mean it used to be bigger, back when Corrie was in my life and she actually cared. I mean she cares now, but she's busy, I understand that. Too busy for me? Feels like it sometimes. Everything is about me, I guess. She's supposed to be my sponsor though, least that's what I feel. I'm supposed to call her if I need to talk, but she feels so far away. Can't just pick up the phone and tell her I'm falling to pieces and I need a hug, or for her to hold me and pray for me. I like the way she hugs me, close to her, as if she doesn't hold me tight enough, I'll fall away, down into the depths of Hell. She's a good hugger like that. A small person, but powerful. Maybe one day I can return the favor for all she's done for me, but I don't know if I can. I think she's messed up her life. Or did. With that one guy. Left him, went with another guy. This guy seems pretty good.

In a way, I'm part of that family. Saw her druggie sister. She works near where I work. Great, good to see you, just don't try hitting me up for cigarettes you underage bitch! Yeah, she was nice to talk to before she tried to use my friendship with Corrie to get drugs. I don't need to buy that shit again. I'm trying to live a good clean life, and I don't need that stuff messing up my life. Even though I wouldn't be using, buying them would just be going down that road again, but the druggies don't understand, they'll just use anyone or anything to get what they want or think they need. It's like the opposite end of the spectrum. Corrie's this angel, and this other girl isn't, but then Corrie isn't the angel that she appears to be. I mean I think she's an angel, but she's got darkness inside of her which she tries to hide. Doesn't want to accept. There's that saying "shake hands with your devil." It's in a Robertson Davies novel...Fifth Business, I think it's called. She won't do that. Not for a while. Hey, she has God now, don't need to worry! Yet, she'll fuck up, but hey, she has God to solve all her problems so she can keep fucking up all she wants and be okay, I mean what is that shit anyway? I mean not so much Corrie, but a lot of Christians. You think to yourself "They're supposed to be Christian and they're doing this??" They act like shit, and blame it on "Everyone's a sinner." Fuck that shit. If you're going to fix your life, then fix your life and stop shitting on other people. It's so damned annoying when you live in your glass house behind that fancy name of Christian which gives you the right to destroy the world but still be forgiven. I mean not every Christian is like this. There are some really good people who mess up from time to time, but are trying to change, and are honest about this. They don't sit on their high horse telling you what a shit you are and how if you seek Jesus you'll be cool like them. These guys admit they're a mess, and say they're trying, and have hope that they'll succeed by having faith in Jesus. That's what Christianity is. It's not telling others you suck, and you'll only be cool if you're with the J-Man. It's about stability, focus, a center, inner peace, that kind of thing. When you have Jesus on your back, nothing else matters. He's got your back. No worries.

Some guy told me that the devil created Buddhism. I wonder if that guy was brain-washed. Some of these guys see there alone eating a sandwich, and hey, it's swell that they don't want to grab your cock or any weird shit like that. Instead they see you're alone, which means you probably have no friends, and that's the time they want to tell you about this great guy. They always start off that way. They start off slow, deceptive, almost like a salesperson, and say "Let me tell you about this cool guy." The cool guy is Jesus. Once they say that name. Omg! It's "Fuck the Jesus freaks man!" Then they wonder what you believe in. They counter with the stuff from the bible. Turns out if you read the bible every day you'll be okay. Um, yeah.

How many people have actually read the whole bible? I've read it twice. It's one long book.

This God show had it right. It's not about religion. It's a relationship. That I can believe. It's not about reading the bible. It's about connecting with Jesus and talking to him. And yeah, digging in the bible to find the answers. That's what it's about. Who cares what city the Wise Men stopped at to pee? Like I don't give a fuck. What I care about is when they nailed Jesus to the cross, and come on, that's pretty gory stuff (wish I could've written that), and then he comes back from the dead! But not just him coming back from the dead. It's what he teaches. He's like "you don't do this, do this!" Sadly not every Christian does those lessons, especially the ones who preach this shit. It's one thing to preach it, another to actually do what you preach. Practice what you preach. And a lot of those idiots don't.

I'll tell you what though. I believe in God because I know he's real. Not because some book told me because what I felt. Don't know who he is, but the bible seems to show me some answers. I like the bible, not some preacher's interpretation of it.

I said enough. I'm glad I said it. It needed to be said. Happy writing.

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