Sunday, May 31, 2009

Left behind

There was a time I had a group of people I hung out with. That time I wasn't sober. I enjoyed their company, they enjoyed mine. I suppose I needed them at the time and I wondered if they needed me or were they just growing. They were cool, drank a bit themselves, mostly smoked pot, but I didn't do that shit. Too much hit is too much for me. I'm not that crazy. Not that pot smokers are crazy, but we all have our own poison or vices or whatever you want to call it. Nowadays these guys have kids and families and I sit at the bar, but it's just me, and eventually I don't sit there anymore because if you want to sit there you gotta drink and I don't.

I do sometimes, but less. Now I'm trying to work out more, if you can believe that, maybe even eat healthier but you can't escape addiction or maybe I'm just using that to escape. Reality is never reality. I wish it was. I wish there was an actual reality (there is, but I'll get into that later), but everything is so false. The way people speak, the way they act, it's false. It's not who they are. Who they are is when you leap into their bedroom and find out they're wearing panties when they should be wearing briefs or vice versa. Or maybe they have a line of cocaine stashed under the bed and you're interrupting their midnight snack. It's the coke that makes them who they are, makes them the great players of the world, but really they're cokeheads. Makes me wonder if I have to be cokehead in order to be a great player in the world.

There is an actual reality like I was saying and that reality is Jesus. Oh no, here is comes, you think to yourself. He's going to go on preaching now and we didn't come here to listen to that shit you're probably thinking. I'll say this. When I went that direction, things got better for me. Here's the kicker though. The person that led me in that direction, Corrie, I haven't talked to her in maybe a year? I miss her. She used to visit me every now and again, but she's been busy. It's more than that though. She's grown. Maybe she's outgrown me? That's what I think. It's not her fault, it's just the way things are and that saddens me because I think I really need her to help me in this world because it feels like its falling apart and yet, she was the person who led me to the door. That was her job I guess. I went through the door and now I have a new teacher named Jesus.

It's not that I think Jesus is a hack. I think he's great and holding on to him and following him is probably the smartest thing I've done in a long time. What's sad is there are some who believe in him who are hacks or are hypocritical. These guys hide behind the phrase "we are all sinners." Yes, dipshit, we are sinners but does that mean you can sin 24/6. 7th day you go to church. I mean these guys tell you how you need to pick up your life and be with Jesus but here they are trashing their lives away. I'm speaking in general I know. Well, let's get specific then? I'm thinking of Corrie. Well, Corrie is an alcoholic, but doesn't know it yet. I assume she's getting better. She's also filled with problems. I mean she gets through it with her faith and she doesn't judge me. No, scratch that. She does judge me. Because I don't go to church on Sunday. Here's the kicker: neither does she. Well, she does, but not every Sunday. We're not all perfect though, but we're trying to be is the phrase that comes to mind. Corrie's not that bad though. She doesn't rag on me like some other people would. I just haven't seen her in a long time.

Funny, actually I can't think of anyone I know who has that hypocritical Christian flavor. I mean I've met people who are like that. But, personally, I don't know anyone who is really like that, thankfully.

Corrie was my light though. When things were down, I could always go to her for a pick me up and now I can't. Makes me think I have to let her go since she has her own life. Have to try and continue without her because I have God now. It's hard especially when God is not in physical form, but that's the whole point. If he was in physical form you wouldn't be able to touch him like you can now.

I had a friend I had known for 14 years. I haven't heard from her since Christmas. I sent her a card though for Christmas. Not her birthday. I remembered her birthday, but a week before and I had too many things going on to get a birthday card mailed to her. Haven't given up though. Maybe this Christmas I'll send a card. No email from her which is alright seeing as how my previous email account is deleted or something happened to it. That's the only one she knew. I don't remember what email she used because we both started talking on this gaming site that she no longer plays on. I miss her. She was part of my stability. It was like I could do all this other stuff, but then when I went on there, I'd see her and things seemed right again, just normal. Now I feel like I'm in a strange city with no friends.

MJ? MJ is still around. I'm scared though at how long she'll be around. She hasn't been online a lot lately, but that's because it's summer or close to summer and she's been going outside. Ordinarily I wouldn't worry so much, but added with Corrie and my other friends, it scares me a bit. I mean MJ is still in email reach and I can always call her if I needed to. But T, the one I've known for 14 years, I thought she'd be in my life forever but I haven't heard from her in forever. Maybe it's the whole when we see each other again, it'll be like we haven't been apart for a while, you know catching up where you left off kind of thing?

There was this group I used to hang out with online a couple of years ago, maybe? I've stepped away from them. Partly because of all the online drama that happens. I miss them though, but I can't go back there.

So this makes me left behind, alone. The co-workers I bonded with years ago, after the pot one's grew, they've grown and moved away. I still talk to the pot ones from time to time, but they're less druggies and more responsible, more family-oriented. They have kids, if you can believe that. Well, you probably do, but I still can't. I picture them as those 20 year old partiers. Fuck, they're like 30 now. Or the oldest is 30. We're all getting old and they've all grown up. Grown up without me and here I am with the only friend I've got at the moment. My writing. It's the only thing that's been constant to me throughout my entire life. Maybe the only friend I can count on?

I know that's not true. I know there are still friends in my world, starting with MJ, but I miss my old friends. I miss T, I miss Corrie, I miss . . . goodness, those online people. I miss the gamers on that gaming site I used to be on.

I miss some of my old writer friends which I've met 5 years ago maybe. A few of them have gone their own way. Presently more are going their own way. Moving out of the city or just becoming more busy with real life. The older you get, the more busier with real life you get. I get that.

And even though my old friends pass away, not as in the dying sense, but just drifting off, I have other old friends wanting to sneak back in my life. Let me rephrase that, old people wanting to sneak back into my life. People I've known from my school years who never gave me the time of day then, but now want to hang out with me because they have no one else. They ring me up on facebook and say hello, and I want to say fuck off because they never talked to me then, so why talked to me now. There's this rich bitch that used to know us back before she was bitten by the rich bug. Seen her a few years ago with her mom. They both weren't pleased I was working at a restaurant with no future ahead of me. Didn't mention I wrote stories. They believed what they wanted to believe. A few months ago, they see me again, and they were happy to see me, impressed by my ability to work hard and enjoy what I do. They want to be my friend, but I don't want to be theirs. Maybe that makes me too proud?

It annoys me how people want to know me when they see me. Not because they want to hang out with me, but out of pity because it looks like I'm alone. They think I write because I have nothing else to do. I write because I'd rather not do anything else. I love to write.

My dad told me last week actually about the constant of family. How you can always depend on family throughout the years. How friends come and go, but family will always be there. I'm beginning to think that now. Though my idea of family is limited. Mother, Father, siblings. That's about it. Cousins are crazy hacks. Uncles are either crazy drunks or just dead. Not dead like my nice uncle, but dead in spirit.

Yeah, I can't wait to go to Heaven. I'll get to hang out with a lot of people. Oddly enough, some of them will be some of these idiots I spoke about in this entry.

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