More Death

More news I suppose. MJ's grandmother has now passed away. I wrote in here last year maybe about how MJ's mother died, well, now the grandmother's gone too and I think how unfair it is that God's doing this. Or I don't know if he's doing this. I mean he is obviously doing this "The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away", but why did he have to take both people within a year almost. It's like MJ has all this bad luck and I really don't like it because she's a great person with so much to give and here she gets dealt all these bad cards. I mean when does it end? How does she keep on going? I mean how can you after all these deaths that come. I'm sure if she's totalled up the number of people who have died in the past five years, that she'll lose count.

I got a call this Sunday unexpectedly. I guess it was a shot to the heart. The grandmother was a good woman, healthy too, so I expected her to live a long time. Sure she was in her 80's, but she looked like she could live until 100.

I haven't really felt like doing anything. I can't be there for MJ, not physically because we live in two different places. And sure she knows all this, but it still hurts me that I can't be there. I know life is like that and you just have to run with it, but doesn't mean I have to like it. It's hard doing anything and yes, I guess it's like losing somebody. I mean I wasn't related to this lady, but she means more to me than some idiots in my family. In a way she's more of a grandmother to me than one of my grandmothers. One I hardly knew, but she was alright. The other I knew more, and she was alright I guess. I didn't understand her. Maybe I was just too young. Maybe I didn't like the fact she enjoyed picking on my sister. I told you, my family's fucked up. I read that back in an entry I did.

It's hard to reach out to people. I mean there's so much death people want to hear about. Eventually they don't want to hear about it. The first couple of days, they want to console you and want you to talk about it but not really. After that, they're tired of hearing it because they don't want to know that life can get depressing. They want to live their own lives. I guess I can't blame them. I'm like that too sometimes. Maybe I was like that on Sunday, getting that call from MJ. I didn't mind talking about it. Took me by surprise. MJ knows that though.

What do I say to people though? It'd be different if it was someone I was related to. They could all relate to that. But if it's a person I know, that I've only seen twice? They don't get it and I can't explain it to them. I mean what do I say? My ex's grandmother passed away and it makes me sad? First, they're going to tell me, she's my ex and ex's are ex's. You don't go back. It's the rule. Ex's can't be friends. Second, she's not my family, so why do I care? Third, that's your ex's problem, they'll say, go get a drink and celebrate.

I don't want to celebrate. I want to comfort my friend. I want to leave this place, go over there and cook a dinner or something. Watch her eat, do dishes, and while she sleeps, read a good novel or something. Instead I'm here. I go to work where all they care about is making money and shafting other co-workers just so they can make more money. Not all of them are like that, but that's the atmosphere I get I guess. Why can't they just be happy with what they got? Life's too short. Just enjoy what you're making and stop trying to get more. What do you need with more? How much is enough? It's never enough you greedy bastards. I'm just happy to go, make a bit of cash, come home, and write. That's the life I want. What the fuck do I need a big screen TV for? What I do need a car for? I don't want to drive so fuck off. I don't need all that crap. Life's too short. I'm happy with what I have. I have good food and good friends. I mean what more can a person want? I have an okay family. Half are decent; the other half I couldn't care less, those selfish fuckers that they are. I mean why are they even still here. Some of them have one foot in the grave, but fuck, they're taking so long to die, it's annoying, and here this nice grandmother is gone and it's not fair because she's a cool lady. Take one of my idiot family members, Lord, I mean really. What about my aunt? I mean how long is she going to be a bitch? And hey, you have two to choose from!

It's hard to reach out to people. What am I going to say? They have their own lives and they don't want to talk to me. I can only write what I feel I guess. They only have so long that they can talk to me. I mean they're alright. I don't want to bring them down with this depressing shit. They want to be happy. I understand that. I can't even write a poem. Too much in my head to bring it out on the page I guess. So many things going through my head. Partially worried about MJ. She's surprisingly strong so far and I'm so grateful for that. Maybe the past deaths have made her stronger. Just wish I could be there.

I don't know. I don't see the point in being here. I'm trying to look for answers but the answers aren't there. I still have faith in God and things are working out for me, but how can I say to have faith in God when MJ's not getting a break. How many times has she prayed? I don't know. How many times have I prayed for her? So many times, nearly everyday. I don't know. It's not that I lack faith in God because my faith is still strong, I just wish I knew what to do. I don't know what to do. I have skills and I have all the necessary tools, I just don't know how to use them. I can produce magic but I don't know where to start and where to end. I want to be able to stand up, but how can I do that when all I want to do is just lie in bed and not wake up. Wake up to what? Wake up to a store clerk who doesn't look at you when you're buying chips? Or some car cutting in front of you when you're trying to head to work? Or the stupid security people again. Have to deal with their fake hellos and shit when they screwed me over. You know it's a little over a year since the final screw happened.

I always say if you don't know something, use what you do know to find out what you don't know. I guess I could do that.

They Call Her The Bitch

Imagine you're in high school. You're walking down the hall and these girls are in a group huddled with their school books that they don't read. They're wearing low cut skirts because it's winter and they laugh at you walking in with your parka, blue jeans and bulky blue sweater. And for god sakes, what the fuck is that on your head!!! And your ears too?? They're like freakin' 80's headphones!

These girls snicker and laugh and talk amongst themselves and are late for class and sit in the back because nobody sits in the front, except you. They throw the best parties. You don't know that for a fact, but you hear of it. The reason you don't know is you're never invited. They make it a point not to invite you. To invite you, wouldn't just get them ridiculed, it just, ewww, no, why would they invite you. That thing on your head!

It's not the girls that bother you because there are maybe 5 in total, but 4 of them just ignore you and don't really do anything unless they're in a group. It's in the one that does it. The one that instigates everything, the leader of the pack. And if you didn't think women could be wolves then you're living in the 1920's or something because they can be wolves and they'll eat you all up, tooth and nail! This leader, the one who taunts you all the time and gets her friends to join in, the one the teachers choose to ignore because she seems decent enough (despite her grades) you call the bitch. It's not only you that call her that. A few of you others do. Because she doesn't just pick on you, that wouldn't be fair. In her mind, she believes in equality. In her mind, there are plenty of losers in the school to pick on. Why are they losers? Well. They're just not like her.

So you leave high school, leave all that shit behind and go to College and get a life, and who gives a fuck about her that now she lives in a trailer park taking care of two or three kids, she's lost count, while her husband has sex with her sister? Life is good for you.

Well, there's only one problem: The bitch exists. Not just in high school. You'd think they'd only be in high school, but sadly they're adults too. My aunt is one.

For years, her place was THE place to go to. Our family would gather there on Christmas or holidays and she had a pretty big family and we'd play with the kids and eat the food that she cooked herself because she was a good cook and always put out a good spread. It was important to put out a good spread and everyone knew she put out a good spread because she always made sure to invite the popular people as well. I mean the family she couldn't help but invite because they're family, but she also hooked up with the popular people and they all knew who she was. But to be popular you had to live popular meaning whatever was unpopular you had to let them know. So she was gossip central, putting down anyone who didn't meet her standards even though her standards were pretty low. Forget the fact that her husband used to hit her as well when he drank. I mean yeah, that made him bad ass. But when you got my dad hitting my mom, well, that just makes my mom bad ass. See the double standard? Protect the family; protect the clique, that's important.

And the worst of it is when she tries to suck our cocks and to pretend to be the sweet whore that she is. Because her clique is dying and she needs to keep it up. I'm the crazy one for talking about her. I'm the crazy one for saying she's a bitch when she really is. But that's okay, because the problem with bitches is that no matter how much they try to hide it, everyone will see the bitchiness within them. And I'm not talking about being a bitch one day as if being moody or angry. I'm talking about being a bitch everyday 24/7 and making a career out of it. That kind of shit is crazy, a disease, and a result of obvious low self-esteem. Now I have nothing against fat people but when they put someone down because of the way they look, well, then it's something. Because most fat or big people I know are really decent human beings. Every chance she gets, wherever there's an opening, she takes it and cuts a person down by a sword, making herself look like a champion, that people forget her shortcomings that she seems within herself.

I'm quite happy though because her career is coming to an end. Her husband (who turned out to be a really decent guy after he stopped drinking) has died (may he rest in peace). Her son's life may be falling apart. Other than the fact he chose my dad's side during my parents' divorce, I got nothing against him. I have no anger with him or his family. My beef is with the bitch aunt. And I'll watch while her ivory tower comes crumbling down. Dance on her grave? No, I probably wouldn't attend the funeral or I'd have to think about it. So much to think about. So much grief.

Most of my family is fucked up, but I have a few good family members and I have my friends and I have my writing, and yes, there's God too. I'm surprised at how big God is. I mean when you have God in your life, you don't have to worry about the Bitch because usually the Bitch doesn't have God in her life because if she did, she would have no need to be a bitch.

Forgiveness?

Corrie connected to me via Facebook. You know, Facebook, how they have those statuses people put up. Well, Corrie had added a comment to one of her photos and she replied. It made me feel good that she actually talked to me and I guess she isn't ignoring me. She's just been very busy. I guess I have to. I wish we could reconnect or hook up again. She is like my sponsor, but the sad thing is, she's rarely there when I need her and sometimes I think she needs me more than I need her. She's been doing better with her life I think. God is taking her somewhere, so she says. I'm not sure where, so I guess we'll have to wait and see.

It makes me think about God. I think my faith is stronger now. It was days ago. Things at MJ's home are fine. She won't be out on the streets. Don't know all the details, but it doesn't matter because things are fine with her now and I can rest more easy. My neck aches and it's a bit stiff. It's getting better though. I think it's from all the stress from the past couple of weeks. With work and with MJ. It's just been deeply stressful and now that my work has settled down I think this is my body's way of telling me to take it easy. Now I have to take it easy.

So I've been thinking more about God, more actually about Satan, or the devil, if you like. You know how God's always helping you out, doing shit in your world so your life can get better. I wonder if there's another force, another negative force, called Satan trying to make your life miserable. Just when your life's getting good, Satan comes along and does shit. I try not to think about that too much because then life can get pretty dark. It's better to just think about God. Plus my life is pretty dark enough already as it is. You've read the blog, so you'd know.

I've also been thinking about forgiveness. There was something on a church program I saw on Sunday because I happen to be off that day this past Sunday. Well, this program I saw said we have to forgive everyone, that's how we move on. That's how we travel from the past to the future. It made a lot of sense, but there are just some people I can't forgive. There's someone I consider Satan's helper. She came into my life and destroyed it. I wonder though if she had her own illness to deal with or if she's just some crazed motherfucker. Should I forgive her and just move on? I don't know. I mean by being angry with her and trying to avoid her, that all arises from fear and I know fear is a bad thing. I can't just move on, can't forget about her. She ruined my life. I don't want to ruin her life. That's just crazy. I don't know what I want to do. I want to know she'll stop hurting me. That's what I want. But I have no way of knowing that. They say if you have God on your side, you don't have to worry. So what? I forgive her and move on? After all she's done to me. She's one of the most evil people that I've met on this planet, except for someone else.

I remember the good times we had. They were far and few. I remember how helpless I felt when I was with her. How lost I felt. Now, I don't feel so lost. A part of me prays she's doing better, but a part of me hopes she's dead. It's frustrating. That people who hurt me are still alive. But wishing them dead isn't good. There's just something bad about wishing them dead. Not so much that it's bad, but the fact that it still gives you pain. That's the bad part. And I don't want that pain. I want to move on, but I don't want her hurting me anymore. Is that bad? Is it bad for me to not want her hurting me anymore? She still hurts me. Still in the shadows. Whenever I take a drink, I see her. She's there. She wants to get inside and we want to destroy each other. She's like a big cock penetrating my vagina, just thrusting hard and it hurts bad, hurts real good, maybe I want it to hurt, maybe then I can feel something, maybe I feel I deserve it? It makes sense after all the crap that happened to me when I was a kid. But then I don't deserve it. I deserve God's love because God is out there with open arms. God is my new Father, my only one. But then there's that saying about forgiving your brother. If you don't forgive your brother how do you expect God to forgive you? I just do. I'm good, my brother's bad. But then I have to forgive my brother. But he hurt me. I want him to stop hurting me. I can't be sure he'll stop hurting me. One time I told him not to hurt me anymore and he said okay, he won't, but he did, and it hurt real bad. Maybe it's like being a Jew in a concentration camp with some German officer telling you one thing, but really he's going to take you for one of those gas showers and you're loathe to trust Germans again. That's how I feel. I can't trust that guy not to hurt me again. And then I feel the only way he won't hurt me is if he's dead, but I can't kill him. I can't kill these people and God won't kill them for me. It's annoying that he won't do that. So what am I supposed to do? It's better to just live your life and not worry about all that. But I have all this pain and it hurts and I don't know what to do. Don't want to end my life because my life's pretty good.

I don't think God's a hoax now though. I think he's real, tangible, something I can feel. God's alive and he's trying to help me, but I'm scared God, scared that if I let go, I'll get hurt again. I trust you, but I don't know, I'm scared to let go. Scared to open my heart to them, Lord, because if I do they're going to hurt me again, and it's just better not to open my heart to them, to be guarded because they hurt me. Will you help me find the way, Lord? Do I even want to find the way? I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm Coming Back

I haven't written here in a while. I don't know if it was hard to write, or just hard to sit here and stare at the computer and share my feelings when I'm a wreck, even though sometimes you just have to. That's when the writing's good and it's too bad that you have to be almost dead to be a good writer. Of course, that's not true, that's a myth. I mean there are many good writers out there who've killed themselves or had sad lives. You can be a good writer and have a good life.

Lots of things happened. MJ's mother died. Her mother was a friend of mine in a way, like how you go over to your friend's house and his mother's there making you guys lemonade. She knows me, I know her, and I hate losing her. Hate losing a good woman. Yeah, she was sickly, and I knew she was heading downhill, but I didn't think it would be this soon. Thought she'd be able to fight the good life, but now the good lord has taken her.

Frustrates me because I'm wondering why the good lord didn't take the other sister, but then that's mean I suppose. I'll say nothing about that. I will say that MJ's been having a rough time, but this entry isn't about her since this is my blog. I just wish I could do something for MJ. If she were here I'd have her crash in my pad until she gets a place of her own, but she's in another city, so there's just no way. And I gotta live the days wondering if she'll be stuck out on the streets pimping herself, spreading her legs for any Tom Dick Harry or Marianne because sometimes that's the way you gotta live. I don't want MJ to live like that because she's pure, a good soul, someone who doesn't deserve to be kicked in the mid-section like that. She deserves better, but of course, God being the old joker he is doesn't really give a fuck and would probably let her get kicked until she's bleeding. I just don't get that Book of Job and yet it's my favorite book of the bible. The guy's just take all this shit from God but yet he still likes God, until he finally gets the last straw. I mean some of the stuff is alright, but it just goes on and on, with more suffering and you're thinking wtf is God doing! He's just chilling with Satan and having some fun. I mean is that what God does? Has fun with people? I wonder about that.

God puts all this crap on me when I have to work my job doing the day shift crap. 3 days shifts. Fuckin' day shifts, I hate 'em. This week's a stressful week and I have no breathing room, I have no life. Boss is out of town, so now we get to do all the managerial bs. I don't like doing managerial bs. I'd rather write. So now I have no life. It reminds me of this zen story. This guy is saying how he really wants to find God and the zen master smiles and says "Really?" Then the zen master grabs the guy and throws him underwater and holds him down. The guy's waving his hands frantically and after a few minutes, then zen master lifts the guy up. The guy's gasping, coughing, spitting up water. Finally when he's done and he's caught his breath, the zen master asks "When you were down there, what is it you wanted most?" The guy says "Air!" The zen master lets the guy go and says "Come back, when you want to find God as much as you wanted air." It's like that. Like I have no air. Now I realize how much I want to write. I'm almost hungry for it. I say almost because I want to read too. So much I want to do. I want to talk to MJ, to see if she's alright. Want to talk to the Donut, hang out, stuff like that. MJ, Donut, and I have a good talk. We hang out and just shoot the breeze, that's the kind of talk we like. Just easy living. We also get to bitch about our day, how it hampers our life, and wouldn't it be better not to have that day. Not so much the day, but what we do in it, the work that we do. We don't like it. Least I can speak for Donut and I. We'd rather be home doing other stuff. Being wage-slaves isn't really all that fun. I'd rather just write. Make my living doing that. Don't have to worry about scheduling my holidays. Don't even have to worry about booking a day off in advance. Don't have to worry about office politics.

Got some writing gigs coming up. Going to have fun writing a novel with some pals in November. The classic Nanowrimo. Means I'll be off this thing for a while. That's okay though. I haven't written here since July anyway, and nobody really reads this. Kind of glad in a way. Either way, it doesn't matter because it's more a personal project of mine anyway.

Guess that's it for now. Boss comes back Tuesday and I can get my life back then. Fuckers.

Makes me think of why I work at this stupid place. Don't want to manage the place. Just want to be a writer.

I was watching some God show just now and it made me think that God was here watching out for me and that he's watching out for MJ and everything's going to be okay, but sometimes I don't know. Sometimes I don't know what God is doing. Oddly my faith is still there. Although weak, if you want to call it that, I'd say it's still there. I wouldn't call my faith weak, I'd call it little. Sometimes it's bigger, sometimes it isn't. I mean it used to be bigger, back when Corrie was in my life and she actually cared. I mean she cares now, but she's busy, I understand that. Too busy for me? Feels like it sometimes. Everything is about me, I guess. She's supposed to be my sponsor though, least that's what I feel. I'm supposed to call her if I need to talk, but she feels so far away. Can't just pick up the phone and tell her I'm falling to pieces and I need a hug, or for her to hold me and pray for me. I like the way she hugs me, close to her, as if she doesn't hold me tight enough, I'll fall away, down into the depths of Hell. She's a good hugger like that. A small person, but powerful. Maybe one day I can return the favor for all she's done for me, but I don't know if I can. I think she's messed up her life. Or did. With that one guy. Left him, went with another guy. This guy seems pretty good.

In a way, I'm part of that family. Saw her druggie sister. She works near where I work. Great, good to see you, just don't try hitting me up for cigarettes you underage bitch! Yeah, she was nice to talk to before she tried to use my friendship with Corrie to get drugs. I don't need to buy that shit again. I'm trying to live a good clean life, and I don't need that stuff messing up my life. Even though I wouldn't be using, buying them would just be going down that road again, but the druggies don't understand, they'll just use anyone or anything to get what they want or think they need. It's like the opposite end of the spectrum. Corrie's this angel, and this other girl isn't, but then Corrie isn't the angel that she appears to be. I mean I think she's an angel, but she's got darkness inside of her which she tries to hide. Doesn't want to accept. There's that saying "shake hands with your devil." It's in a Robertson Davies novel...Fifth Business, I think it's called. She won't do that. Not for a while. Hey, she has God now, don't need to worry! Yet, she'll fuck up, but hey, she has God to solve all her problems so she can keep fucking up all she wants and be okay, I mean what is that shit anyway? I mean not so much Corrie, but a lot of Christians. You think to yourself "They're supposed to be Christian and they're doing this??" They act like shit, and blame it on "Everyone's a sinner." Fuck that shit. If you're going to fix your life, then fix your life and stop shitting on other people. It's so damned annoying when you live in your glass house behind that fancy name of Christian which gives you the right to destroy the world but still be forgiven. I mean not every Christian is like this. There are some really good people who mess up from time to time, but are trying to change, and are honest about this. They don't sit on their high horse telling you what a shit you are and how if you seek Jesus you'll be cool like them. These guys admit they're a mess, and say they're trying, and have hope that they'll succeed by having faith in Jesus. That's what Christianity is. It's not telling others you suck, and you'll only be cool if you're with the J-Man. It's about stability, focus, a center, inner peace, that kind of thing. When you have Jesus on your back, nothing else matters. He's got your back. No worries.

Some guy told me that the devil created Buddhism. I wonder if that guy was brain-washed. Some of these guys see there alone eating a sandwich, and hey, it's swell that they don't want to grab your cock or any weird shit like that. Instead they see you're alone, which means you probably have no friends, and that's the time they want to tell you about this great guy. They always start off that way. They start off slow, deceptive, almost like a salesperson, and say "Let me tell you about this cool guy." The cool guy is Jesus. Once they say that name. Omg! It's "Fuck the Jesus freaks man!" Then they wonder what you believe in. They counter with the stuff from the bible. Turns out if you read the bible every day you'll be okay. Um, yeah.

How many people have actually read the whole bible? I've read it twice. It's one long book.

This God show had it right. It's not about religion. It's a relationship. That I can believe. It's not about reading the bible. It's about connecting with Jesus and talking to him. And yeah, digging in the bible to find the answers. That's what it's about. Who cares what city the Wise Men stopped at to pee? Like I don't give a fuck. What I care about is when they nailed Jesus to the cross, and come on, that's pretty gory stuff (wish I could've written that), and then he comes back from the dead! But not just him coming back from the dead. It's what he teaches. He's like "you don't do this, do this!" Sadly not every Christian does those lessons, especially the ones who preach this shit. It's one thing to preach it, another to actually do what you preach. Practice what you preach. And a lot of those idiots don't.

I'll tell you what though. I believe in God because I know he's real. Not because some book told me because what I felt. Don't know who he is, but the bible seems to show me some answers. I like the bible, not some preacher's interpretation of it.

I said enough. I'm glad I said it. It needed to be said. Happy writing.